#BlackLivesMatter: I am the villain

The #BlackLivesMatter Movement is a narrative, and I am the villain in this piece.

My terms are carefully chosen, because to say “I am not the hero” will invite people to tell me that I am their hero. That I am brave. That I am a thousand other positive things. Or that I am looking for people to say this.

No.

In this narrative, I am the villain. And not in some kind of Adam Sandler sort of way. Where I start off as the offensive person, but I learn my lesson and we all get to feel good at the end. I was born into privilege and I benefit from it every day. Despite my best efforts I still support the system that systematically dehumanizes and violates People Of Color.

I am a part of the problem. I have privilege and no matter how hard I try, I stumble over it all of the time. I push myself into spaces that I am not welcome and am shocked when I do not find myself welcome.

I am losing friends. I make them angry and uncomfortable. I challenge their views of the world and I am often unable to have a conversation that does not center on race and privilege.

I am finding white spaces increasingly uncomfortable because I am so aware of how problematic they are in general and I don’t want to be there.

I am not welcomed into Spaces of Color, as they have no reason to trust me or welcome me in. And even in the few spaces where I have earned trust I am an outsider and a reminder of what they can never escape. Not even in their most private and sacred places can People of Color escape from whiteness.

I am not trusted by most People of Color, because they have no reason to trust me or my intentions.

I am the villain in this piece. And well I should be.

When it is all said and done, I will be remembered only as one of the vanquished and that is appropriate.

But between now and then I will play my role well. I will weaponize my whiteness.

I will lose friends. I will make enemies.

I will clear the airwaves so that Voices of Color can be heard. Because this isn’t brave or noble. It’s doing the right thing.

The Heroes have work to do, and we should all support them.

Engaging The Troll: The Broken Record Method

So you have graduated from Engaging The Troll: Stop Explaining and you are now ready to move on to the next level of your training.

And now you are in the awkward situation where the Troll won’t go away, but you are too tired to come up with new arguments. Some Trolls have endless creativity and while they may lose their mind they don’t care about being seen as the reasonable one they just want to bait you until you become unreasonable.

So what is a reasonable person to do?

Use the Broken Record Method ™

The Troll will wear you out by constantly challenging you to find new proof or evidence for your points but stick to the same old rhetoric and never varying from their points. Even if you stop explaining and start challenging their assertions with questions there will simply come a point where it is no longer reasonable for you to engage in that way.

So find the core point that you are making, and just keep hitting that.

Points that can be made are things like

You are the part of the problem.

What you said is Racist / Homophobic / Bigoted / Offensive
<insert descriptor of what they said here>

You need to apologize

You can do this in a couple of ways.

You can either use a statement like this at the end of each post.

I refute your points with these logical statements. You are part of the problem that I am referring to.

I expand upon my earlier statements with further links and carefully constructed arguments. And what you said is bigoted.

Here is a clear and logical explanation of why what you said is hurtful. You need to apologize.

Or you can just find the statement and you can stick with it.

Troll: RANT RANT DOUBLE DOWN ON TROLLING

You: What you said is offensive and you should apologize.

Troll: I’m not going to apologize! You should apologize! RANT RANT more Trolling.

You: What you said is offensive and you should apologize.

Troll: Is that all you have to say? Rant Rant Double Down on Trolling

You: Yup. What you said is offensive and you should apologize.

The great thing about this technique is is works online and in real life.

You can use it in a wide variety of situations. From getting into a debate about current social or political issues to being on either side of the customer service counter in a retail location.

It can be particularly infuriating / effective if you can deliver the impression that you are repeating yourself to someone who is unable to understand you. Speak slower or use smaller and fewer words. Act like you are explaining to a particularly dull child.

These techniques are not nice.

They are not for the faint of heart.

And they are not going to let you maintain the guise of a reasonable person.

If you want to be reasonable and nice, then perhaps this is not the place for you.

I am a white lady who is done being nice. And sometimes, to get the work done you need to be unreasonable.

#BlackLivesMatter: This is not okay

Trigger Warnings – Rape

Language Warning – I’m going to be cussing in this one.

First. I very much doubt that my tiny little corner of the internet is going to intersect with Charnesia Corley . But should it happen, Charnesia I am sorry. I am so fucking sorry that this happened to you. It should have never happened, it was horrible and you deserve justice.

To the other women that this has happened to. I’m sorry. I am so fucking sorry that this happened to you. It should have never happened it was horrible and you deserve justice.

If you have not seen the news Charnesia Corley was raped in a gas station parking lot.

She was raped.

If you don’t want to follow the article I am going to sum it up.

As a woman of color, in America, she was targeted by the police. On her way to get medicine for her mother Charnesia was pulled over. The officers claim they smelled weed and proceeded to do an illegal search. No drugs were found during an illegal search. She was removed from her car, and after multiple protests the male officer directed the female officer to do a body cavity search.

This happened in public. She was bent over a squad car and the female officer raped her.

She Was Raped

She was then charged with resisting arrest.

And the officers are being supported by the department who claims it was a valid and legal search.

She Was Raped

The thing is that I am angry at so many things regarding this case.

I am angry that this happened to her.

I am angry that the officers are covering it up.

I am angry at the responses. From both those who are attempting to show support, and those who are partaking in victim blame.

The problem with conversations about rape or sexual assault is they are rarely centered on the raped. The conversations are usually about the rage or disgust of the people in the conversation, what the raped SHOULD have done, or victim blaming.

In the category of what Charnesia should have done we have this gem:

“She should have pissed on her”

This is comment clearly comes from someone who has never endured sexual or physical violence or violation. I can say this with confidence because the comment is so filled with ignorance I am frankly amazed that six words can contain it all.

While it focuses on the raped, it is still about what she should have done. In this case urinating on the officer. I’m not sure what the commenter thinks this would have accomplished.

Charnesia was not in a position to do anything but attempt to claim her legal rights, which she did.

She was charged with resisting arrest for all of her trouble, and the officers later claimed they did in fact find .02 oz of marijuana. I’m pretty sure this .02 oz was found in the officer’s vehicle, because they sure as hell didn’t find it in hers.

I can only imagine the terror that Charnesia felt when she was going through this. The stories of murdered people of color that are on the news every day must have been running through her mind. And even as she protested she had to comply because the alternative was probably going to involve a bullet tearing through her body, or a “suicide” in a jail cell.

Other commenters also listed the things that she should have done or what they would have done in her place.

Such comments are not helpful, they are not signs of empathy, and they do nothing to move the conversation forward.

Then there misplaced concern.

Oops – according to the deputies .02 oz of MJ was found. I don’t like the search, but I don’t like the dishonest article either.

Please tell the truth in these articles.

For clarification at the time the article was written there was no information about .02 oz of MJ. So if you read the article and are confused by that reference, now you have context.

Okay, this is a 3 sentence comment. and over two thirds of it was about the drugs.

When you place a “but” in a sentence you are functionally eliminating the words that came before it.

The white lady tried to make a valid point, but totally failed.

So that “but” makes all 3 sentences about the drugs. And not the horrible thing that was done. And the tiny bit she does say, is she didn’t like it.

Didn’t like it.

She was raped.

Not liking it is not strong enough.

The other way conversations like this go sideways is the change of focus on to how the men folks might feel about this.

I wonder how they would feel if it was their wives or girlfriends this happened too.[sic] And the female officer???? Please. Why don’t the communities shun these cops and their families?

Okay, so here is an attempt at empathy.

It’s just completely shrouded in male hetero privilege.

How would they (the officers) feel if it was their wives or girlfriends.

How would the men folks feel if their women were violated. Not how did Charnesia feel about this.

In case you are confused at my anger here, I will clarify.

It is about the men would feel if something that belonged to them were harmed. I’m sure that if I were to challenge the poster he would not see it that way. But that is what his words said.

Then he goes on to suggest that communities should shun the families of the officers. So not only should the women connected to them be punitively raped so the men folks can understand it’s wrong, they should also suffer for the negative behavior of their men folks.

 

No.

 

Just no.

Don’t victim blame.

Don’t justify.

Don’t suggest punitive rape or violence as an answer to violence.

In case this leaves you unclear about what you should say? Let me spell it out for you.

 

Charnesia I am sorry. I am so fucking sorry that this happened to you. It should have never happened, it was horrible and you deserve justice.

 

So You Want To Be Activist, Now What?

You see the pictures of inspiring men and women marching and protesting. Activists are on your page, and there are hash tag slap fights going on in your social media feed. And you want to get involved, you want to be an ally. You want to be an Activist you don’t quite no what. So let me be the first to welcome you.

Welcome to the world of Activism.

Here is your Ally Cookie.

Ally Cookie Is Happy To See You

Enjoy it, because this is the only one that you are going to get.

But you still have questions, and while you munch on your delicious ally cookie you are standing awkwardly wondering what you are supposed to do next.

What am I supposed to do as an ally / activist?

Listen.

That’s it. In fact I almost could just end the post right here with Listen. Find the voices of the marginalized group you are identifying with or want to be an ally for. And listen to them.

Don’t go seeking out people who are not marginalized and see what they have to say about the marginalized groups. In fact, if you take this so seriously that you close this page right now and find advice from a person of color I would be more than happy with that. Because it is not right that my white voice is the one being listened to. But we are here, and we are going to learn together.
And when you are listening, when you feel those strong objections come up. When you want to say “Not all <insert your personal identification here> are like that!” choke it down. Bottle up that discomfort. Realize that this is a place to start to empathize, because as uncomfortable as you feel right now, they feel like that all the time.

Now you need to do something with all of those difficult feelings, I suggest you weaponize your privilege and use it for good.

I don’t know how to behave or what I should do when I am at an event.

Listen and follow directions.

It’s just like grade school.

If you are at an organized event they will tell you where to march, stand, or go. They will often share talking points or give directions. Be mindful of what you chant along with. When they ask you to Say His / Her Name, you can say their name. But if you are White you shouldn’t say Hands Up Don’t Shoot.

I’m just afraid I am going to lose friends / family over this

You are.

Get over it.

People are dieing. But you might lose some friends.

People are being murdered. But you are worried Thanksgiving is going to be awkward.

People are suffering from PTSD simply because every day in the world is a traumatic event. But someone is going to say something hurtful to you on social media.

Get. Over. It. Do the work.

But there are no groups in my local area that I can join.

Everyone is an activist in their own way. If you have the privilege of travel, then travel. If that is not a privilege you have, then you clearly have at least limited access to the internet. Use that.

The internet lost it’s collective mind over a lion, and there is visible change happening because of it. People did nothing more than sign online petitions, share memes, make posts on social media and comment on articles. Yes there were marches, and the dentist won’t come near his home or place of work because of the Minnesotans who terrorized him.

So do not dismiss the power of internet interactions. Engage in a way that is suitable for your life and circumstances.

In summary

This is going to be hard.

You are going to want to attract the notice of the marginalized and gain their approval. And that is a valid feeling, you want to help someone and you want to know you are doing it right.

Avoid this. Because you are functionally asking to be praised for doing what you should have been doing all along.

You are going to want to get in the middle of things and shout, because there is a high that can come with activism. And you are going to want more of this.

Don’t do it. Whenever possible use your voice to amplify the voice of the marginalized, but never to overpower.

The final lesson I want to impart to the new activist is this.

You can’t fix it. You are not the hero.  And there is not going to be a montage of you and your friends at marches and protests followed by a heartwarming wrap up.

It’s going to be long, hard and sometimes boring. You are going to be discouraged and frustrated. You are sometimes going to feel guilty for enjoying something that isn’t activism. You are going to sometimes feel guilty for how much you enjoy activism. And sometimes you are you just going to be bored with it.

But sometimes, you see small changes. You get the win. And it feels amazing. And you will cheer, and cry, and you will celebrate. And for one moment, one shining amazing moment the world will feel right. And you will do anything for that feeling again.

Welcome to the team. Now get to work.

#BlackLivesMatter: White Woman’s Tears

Every Day when my girlfriend T- walks to work I become increasingly anxious. I nervously check my phone 5 to 10 times an hour until I see some sort of status update from her. Sometimes she posts early, but I know what time her breaks usually start. So at that time I will almost obsessively refresh the notifications icon until I see the first Facebook post.

Then she shares an article or a meme, and relief floods my body. She then shares a series of posts and articles and I know that she is on her smoke break and is catching up on on her news consumption. And every update is a soothing balm to my troubled mind.

Then her shift ends and she walks home, and my obsessive refreshing starts again. Is today the day that she lingers too long in the wrong neighborhood. Is today the day that an officer is in a foul mood and needs an excuse to take it out on someone.

And my inner monologue starts.

How bad was the news today? Wait, didn’t I see that the one officer is being investigated and wasn’t there an actual indictment? Is there going to be a backlash? Is she safe? They’ve seen her on the news. She’s very vocal. And that hair. Everyone knows her by her hair. Okay it’s unreasonable to expect her to be home by now. Just relax, she’s fine. Don’t call, she is a grown ass human, she doesn’t need you to call her. She would text. We’ve made an emergency plan. We know what to do. She’s fine. Okay let me check again. Oh THANK THE GODS THERE IT IS. Oh now that is some funny shit right there.

I don’t ask her to text or call when she gets to or from a place, because she is an adult and I don’t want to treat her like a child. So half of my day is spent wondering if she is safe. And even when she is home, I know it is temporary and soon she will be in danger again.

I’ve become amazing at telling that narrative.

When I tell this narrative I let a few standing tears well up in my eyes, my lips quiver and I won’t look the person I am telling this to in the face. By the time I’m done I can’t quite get the words out and the ones that do come out are sometimes broken or whispered as the emotion becomes too much for me to bear.

I pull this story out whenever I need the person I am in the conversation with to start caring about Black Lives. I have tried to use logic and debate. I have tried to gain their compassion or empathy for what so many Americans Of Color have gone through. But I am met with excuses, justifications or a simple lack of caring. So I try and make it more personal and talk about what T- goes through every day. How I admire the fact that she can still go out and face the world and while tempted, has never actually just called in Black. Can’t face the world today.

So I break out my T- might die story. I talk about my feelings, and my experiences. Oh yes, I break out the White Woman Tears ™ and and suddenly their argument evaporates. They are no longer fighting me, they are moving to comfort me.

And I accept the comfort after all it’s what I was going for. But inside I am seething. Inside I am screaming.

Don’t care more about my feelings than her safety

The fact of the matter is T is black in America. And that means that she is traumatized daily by simply waking up and moving in the world.

This part of the post isn’t up for debate. I’m willing to discuss any part of this post with you except this.

People of color are traumatized on a daily basis. Their resilience and perseverance as a whole is nothing short of remarkable.

But no one cares. Their voices are silenced, their bodies are objectified and their culture is stolen from them. And even the White Activists don’t really care what people of color have to say. White activists are reading things written by white people. They are sharing the experiences of white people. And when they take action they do it their way.

People of color are told “Don’t worry we got this” by one group of white people, and “why don’t you fix this?” by another group.

And when people of color do speak up, they do share their stories, their allies just shut their eyes and cover their ears.

So when I get frustrated with being unable to get them to care about the safety of people of color in general, and I can’t get them to care  about someone they know. Then I start the lip quivering, and I look into the distance. And I tell the compelling story of my fear and my anxiety. And it works. Every single time.

It’s a dirty trick. I know it is. But I don’t care.

I’m a White Lady who is done being nice.

In many interactions you can gain control of the conversation through feelings. It’s like calling shotgun in the car. Be the first to call FEELINGS and you are in control. If your feelings are dismissed, you just show how hurt you are by having those feelings dismissed. And if they use logic, you can side step all logic by crying or reasserting your right to an opinion.

It’s an arms race. You are trying to employ logic and win before the other person cries FEELINGS while at the same time monitoring the situation to see if you need to play your own FEELINGS card.

If the only way people will listen to you is if you make it about your white feelings, then do it. Just get the job done.

And then, get mad. Get good and pissed off and go out there and use your powers for good.

Just a couple of Social Justice Warriors not afraid to cry to get the job done.

You Too Can Weaponize White Privilege.

This post was inspired by the brilliant Isobel DeBrujah.
She isn’t nice. But she’s honest.

Fellow White People and White Privilege Havers – if you are starting to wake up to the fact that #BlackLivesMatter and it is time to stand up help the non privilege havers. I’m glad that you are here. Welcome to the team.

The thing I have been seeing over and over again, is the same question.
What do I do?
How do I help?

It’s good that you are asking these questions.
But please stop asking the marginalized people you are trying to help. They have enough on their plate.

So here is how you too can weaponize your white privilege in 5 easy steps.

Step 1. Listen and learn

Step 2. Let go of the guilt and embrace your privilege.

Step 3. Draw them in.

Step 4. Take them down.

Step 5. Retreat back into the shadows like a deadly Anti Racism Xenomorph

Step 1. Listen and learn from the people you are striving to be an ally to. In this case, it is an ally to people of color.

Do your homework, read blogs, articles, stories, books, and any writing that you can find that comes from their point of view. And when you feel the need to argue, push back, or make a comment, check that urge and read it again.

This does not mean that every black writer is a paragon of virtue and always write the truth and never lead you astray. But if you are looking for their point of view, and understand what they are saying you have to listen. And listening means hearing what they say, taking it in and processing it. Listening does not mean waiting for your turn to talk.

When you move in black spaces, be respectful. Be quiet, be aware of how your presence makes them feel and try and minimize that. In general do not share your experience or point of view until it is asked for, and for the love of whatever you hold holy, do not equate being poor to being black. Do not tell them that your story is the same. If you must share this point of view you can start with, I can empathize to a point because – tell your story – then sum up with, but I realize it’s not the same.

Step 2 – Let go of the guilt and embrace your privilege.

If you feel constantly guilty for your privilege, then you will be constantly defensive about it. And if you are defensive you are not being a good ally.

Process your guilt, and process the horrible feelings you will have as you realize the many times you have used your privilege and it has hurt others. At this point I would suggest talking to other privilege havers, and not the people you are trying to be allies to. Because unless you are VERY fortunate, the non privilege haver is not going to care one little bit and will be rather unwilling to listen to you unburden your soul as you explore this new perspective on life. And you are going to want to talk about this, as you process it. So choose your audience carefully.

Then, as you process this guilt let it go and start viewing the world with it in mind. As you consume media, note how many white faces you see. As you move through the stores running errands, note how many white faces you see. And when you see faces of color, note how white they look. As you read articles, note the language that is being used. And start to identify the many small ways that whiteness and the things associated with it are lifted up as good and moral, and the things associated with people of color are associated with low morals and danger.

This is the hard part, it is going to suck. A lot. Because there are going to be times where you wish you could go back to who you used to be. You want to close your eyes and not feel this way all the time. But you have to. It’s part of the journey.

Step 3. Draw them in

Now that you see the racism that is constantly all around you, it is time. You are ready. But you can’t just stomp out into the world like a Rockem Sockem Robot. You may knock off your opponents head, but you are just as likely to have your own head knocked off. And in this dangerous dance of white privilege, a direct attack is not the best answer.

Rather, lurk in the shadows and wait for your turn.

Move in white spaces, smile, and be your normal happy self. Let your fellow privilege havers feel comfortable around you. Let them feel like they can say the things that they wouldn’t say in front of people of color.
And then when the moment comes, strike.

Step 4. Take them down.
Be remorseless. Like a death dealing Anti Racism Xenomorph. Deadly and cold, striking from a hidden corner and then evaporating into the darkness waiting for another chance.

When someone posts a horrible meme on FB, just respond with “That’s offensive and racist.”
When someone tells a racist joke, or story say “that’s not funny, it’s racist.”

When you hear something, you call them on it. Don’t justify, don’t argue, don’t cajole, don’t convince, don’t debate. Strike and retreat.

And when they cry their white tears, don’t argue. Just repeat your point.

Racist: “I am entitled to my opinion!”
White Privilege Xenomorph: “This is true. And in this case, your opinion is offensive and racist.”

Racist: “I can’t believe you said that to me!”
White Privilege Xenomorph: “I can’t believe that you said something so racist and offensive.”

Racist: “Are you saying I’m racist?”
White Privilege Xenomorph: “No I am saying what you said is racist, we have yet to determine if you are a racist.”

Racist: “Why are you being so mean to me?”
White Privilege Xenomorph: “I am telling you the truth, and if you find the truth ‘mean’, that is your problem not mine. What you said is racist and offensive”.

I think you get the point.
When you debate, argue, explain, or go further you are simply giving more ways to be wrong. When you keep things short and simple then you give them nothing to grab onto.

Step 5 – retreat into the shadows like a White Privilege Xenomorph.

Use whatever privilege haver tools you have in your belt. White tears, white voices, white privilege. Grab the attention and draw it to you. Then after you clear the way and create a little destruction turn things over to the people of color that you are supporting.

Let their voices be heard, let their faces be seen, let their words carry the weight. Let them lead the way.
As a White Privilege Xenomorph, your job is to strike down racism and privilege whenever you can. When you are silent you agree. You condone the behavior.

But when you weaponize your privilege you take this tool you have been given and make it into something good.

It takes practice, and a little bit of bravery. But you are fighting cowards who are hiding in the shadows. And the shadows is your hunting ground.

So wait until the moment is right, and strike without mercy. Then return to the shadows like the Xenomorph and know that for them, it is Game Over.